He ate the piece of paper...Oh my

So a few funny things this week. I had called a probation officer to find out if my client had been released from prison and left her a message. She in turn called me back and left me one that went something like this:

She stated that the client had indeed been released and she had met with him a few days prior. She reminded him to give me a call and even wrote out my phone number and extension on it. He then proceeded to take the piece of paper, put it in his mouth and "ate it, right infront of me." She commented that apparently he had gone wacko and not to expect a call from him because he no longer had the number as he had eaten it.

At this point I burst into uncontrollable laughter. I'm not sure if it was how she said it or what he actually did, but i could not stop laughing.

PP also reminded me this week in an email of a time i made her burst into uncontrollable laughter. Her parents have a pond behind their house and we decided to go kayaking last summer. My mother kept warning me "whatever you do, don't go in that water it's disgusting and filthy." So of course, i'm trying carefully to get into the bloody kayak but have no idea what i'm doing. I get one leg in, then the other and boom i roll right into the pond. I'm freaking out and trying to get back on the dock because now i think i'm going to grow another head from being in the filth. Needless to say after PP finished laughing at me, we went kayaking. Upon our return to her house, we recanted the story to her mother, she also said "ewe" and made a disgusted looking face at me.

Hands off

So i'm at the grocery store today grabbing some fresh basil as i wanted to make one of those yummy salads with tomatoes, boconcini cheese, olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. Anyway, the cashier looks at my Basil in it's clear plastic encasing, smiles and proceeds to put it right up to her nose and breath in deeply while moaning "mmmmmmmmmmm." She then goes on about how everyone should tie some basil together with a string and hang it in the kitchen because it would just smell "sooooo" good.

I'm half disgusted that her snotty nose just touched my herbs and in a bit of shock. However at the same time i'm slightly amused because i've never ever seen a cashier do such a thing before as it's rather inappropriate. That's what i get for being a cheap ass and going to the store under renovations.

MSN weirdos

Ok, so a friend of mine joined that website Hot or Not years ago. You put your pic up and you can rate people from 1 to 10 and they in turn rate you. It's silly and fun but there are a lot of strange cats out there. Take for instance this gent that i refer to as "man sausage." He somehow made it onto my msn list and in the first few minutes of conversation, he asked me if i ate "man sausage" because i do not eat meat. I was not amused by his humour and chatted with him a few times after that. He was boring and kept asking me to meet him, i told him i did not meet people off the net and i just had my picture up for fun. He's been long removed from my msn. Though every now and again i'll get a "hi" from him, because i just deleted but did not block him. In over a year i have not once replied until last night. I figured i would just tell him the truth that i have no interest in talking to him cause apparently he's too dumb to figure that out on his own.

That apparently did not go over too well and/or he's terribly annoying and stupid to boot.
He sends me a "hello, do you remember me" message to which i reply yes and that i have no desire to chat with him. I told him he never had anything to say and was rude. Here is the rest:

Mikey says:
i do id like to o chat agin and get to know you better i was A JERK BEFORE AND IM SORRY

Miss Ash says:
i really have no interest

Miss Ash says:
but take care

Mikey says:
why are you dating i would like to chat again

Miss Ash says:
yes i am, sorry

Mikey says:
wel then why are you on msn all the time

Miss Ash says:
i talk to my friends on msn, why else would i be on it?

Mikey says:
and im on your msn and you dont want to chat

Miss Ash says:
no you're not on my msn i deleted you a long time ago

Mikey says:
you are on mine is that ok or do you want me to delete it

Miss Ash says:
you can delete it, you never had anything to say and you were rude. I have enough friends.

Mikey says:
well you never gave me a good chance

Miss Ash says:
not my problem i didn't get a good impression, sorry

Mikey says:
well we havent chatted in a while and i was being weird

Miss Ash says:
true however, i have no desire to continue, so you can delete me

Mikey says:
why dont you give me a chance to talk and see what can happen from there

Miss Ash says:
cause i'm dating someone, I already told you that

Mikey says:
we can still chat and be friends

Miss Ash says:
there's no point, i'd rather not you can delete me now, take care

Mikey says:
am i ugly or something

Miss Ash says:
no i already told you and now you are being annoying

Mikey says:
im not like that now

Miss Ash says:
i dont' really care, i have lots of friends, i'm not looking for anymore

Mikey says:
if your seeing someone why you still on hot or not

Mikey says:
my bouz want to meet your friends

Mikey says:
boyz

Miss Ash says:
delete me

Mikey says:
i cant imyy friends want to meet you friends there right here

Miss Ash says:
ok so i will block you then

Miss Ash says:
take care

Mikey says:
why

Mikey says:
i never said anything wrong too you


This was the end of it and i blocked him. GOOD LORD LOL. I obviously lied and said i was seeing someone and he still goes on to be like let's chat and see where it goes. WTF. I also like the if you are dating someone why are you on msn LOL. He also asks me if i want him to delete me, when i reply yes he refuses. When i tell him he is being annoying he replies with "i'm not like that now" LOL. The whole thing about not being able to delete me because his "boyz" want to meet my friends was extremly confusing. No idea what he was talking about LOL. I was so baffled by this moronic conversation that i had to save it and have a good giggle over it. Hope you enjoyed. I no longer add complete strangers to my msn.

Salad Fingers

Salad Fingers is a flash cartoon character created by David Firth. My sister said some of her students introduced her to this cartoon and she in turn showed me.

The main character is called Salad Fingers. He's this strange green man with long, green fingers which are very sensitive to rough surfaces. Salad Fingers will stimulate himself by rubbing his fingers on such objects as rusty nails, rusty tea kettles, metal jail-cell bars and nettles.

Salad Fingers has a strange habit of providing narration for other characters rather than engaging in actual conversation, even if the characters are living beings capable of speech. He speaks with an English accent and has these horrible teeth, full of blood and mould.

The newest episode came out in January Episode 7. It's as strange as the rest of them, however my favorite is still Episode #4 The Cage, in which a little boy takes a liking to Salad Fingers. Anyway, check it out, see what you think. Each episode is fairly short, less than 5 minutes. I'm sure you'll agree, he's a strange but enjoyable character.

Salad Fingers Episode #4

David Firth's Website

You can view the other 6 Episodes on his site, click Cartoons and look for Salad Fingers.

Happy HNT

I got my 1st pedicure ever today. It tickled like crazy but i sucked it up. I'm off for 5 days and it's a beautiful sunny day outside, i'm in a fantastic mood!!

Our Friendship is like S & M....

So i went to visit Jennifer this weekend. We shopped, had a bite to eat and then went to see my friends band play. I had never seen them before but thought the music would be punk.....turned out it was more like gun's n roses. However, the singer reminded us of Jack Black when he danced and was quite entertaining. We were sitting beside one another on a bench, facing the right where the stage was, when some random guy pulls up a chair at our table and proceeds to stare at us. I refused to look at him but i could feel it, and then he started to flail his arms around like a madman trying to get our attention. It was horrifying. He also decided to take the candle off the table and light up a smoke.....in the non smoking bar, pure class. We figured he wanted to show us his rebellious side. So after us laughing and whispering "There's your boyfriend" to one another, he got up and wandered off. We went outside and some guy who works in the porn industry, so he says, decided to chat with us and another girl. He was in marketing or something, anyway i thought he was rather attractive and Jennifer was disgusted. We go back inside and turns out he's friends with the rebel, yikes.

Saturday night we went to see her boyfriends band play, then walked back to her apartment for some drinks with everyone. On the way she tried non chalantly to tell her friend to take a picture of us walking, so she could compare our asses as she's been losing weight and thinks hers is smaller than mine...nice try :)

So the drinks flow and we're out on her balcony with a bunch of people and i'm looking in the windows of the apartment building next door. I mention a guy watching tv sitting with his legs up and Jennifer yells, "they're naked." Turns out i was looking in the wrong window, the next one over had a naked couple finishing the deed and then cuddling. We missed most of the action, and they eventually turned the lights out...Jennifer then said that her and the bf should really get some curtains.

Off we go after too many glasses of wine to a bar to dance the night away. A fight begins to break out between two guys and their friends are holding them back, and the dance floor clears into this big empty circle. This guy goes down into the centre of the circle and puts his hands out as if too stop the fight. Then he starts to smile and move his arms around and just starts grooving to the music and everyone else followed suit. It was hilarious. Later on he tried to hang off of Jennifer and she walked away disgusted. He then proceeded to dance my way, but her male friend saw me roll my eyes and saved me.

On our way to breakfast this morning, her friend was intriuged by our banter towards one another. As you know we have the Biggest Loser competition and we've made an agreement to call each other horribly mean names among other things. So he said he wished him and her bf would do something like that. Jennifer then went on to say they should, and compared our friendship to S & M, there are rules, you need to have a safe word, it's painful and wonderful all at the same time :)

PMS City

Gentleman you may want to skip this post, i'm sure it will be rather whiney and bitchy. That being said, i become an emotional disaster when it's that time of the month. I'm like Jekyll & Hyde, i can turn from being extremely sad to being quite irrational within seconds, over a period of a few days. I'm very aware of this and try to keep myself in control, generally removing myself from certain situations that i know will put me over the edge and make me lose it.

Today wasn't horrible, but for example i was talking to my co-workers about RSP's and i literally started to tear up. I wiped my eye and told them i had an eyelash in it. No logical reason for this to happen to me, who gets upset when learning about such a thing LOL. The rest of the day was fine, i was a bit short with a few of my clients but nothing of importance. I went to the gym, worked out in my usual class and drove home. I made it through about 5 minutes of dinner, before raging Miss Ash started to rear her ugly head. My mother was telling my father a story that i had already heard that day, i grew impatient, felt my blood boiling and my head began to pound. I sighed and told her "i already heard this today" got up, slammed a few drawers, stomped upstairs and finished my dinner alone in my room. I find out my favorite show Amazing Race is on tonight instead of it's usual night, but by the time i figure this out, i've missed half of it "son of a bitch." My mother brings up some tea to my room, which i take one sip of, and slam the mug back down "you know i don't like sugar in my tea." Quike frankly the no sugar thing is new for me so she probably had no idea i did not take it anymore.

I then begin to read the paper and a horrible article about this man in Ottawa who killed his wife and 3 kids, and then set himself on fire. His wife had a restraining order against him. So i mumble to my mother about how restraining orders are bullshit and this is like the 3rd woman to die at the hands of an abusive partner in the past week. She agreed, left the room and i started to cry. So all day i've been up and down with my emotions, developed a terrible headache and have puffy eyes. Sad to say, this was not even a remotely bad PMS day for me, usually my behavior is much more dreadfull, I generally appear extremely agitated and i'm short with people to the point of being rude. However, in that moment i could give a shit. Any other Jekyll and Hydes out there?

April Fools

I'm not much of a jokster and therefore have never really played any April Fools jokes on anyone....that i can remember at least. I did however want to try the old saran wrap on the toilet one, but then thought of my parents pissing all over themselves and making me clean up the mess. I didn't do it.

I read about some magician who plays jokes on his neighbour every year. He sneaks into her house when she is out (which i found rather odd) and one year changed the labels on her canned food, put saran wrap on her toilet...stuff like that.

I've also heard of the old exlax in chocolates or baked goods, but have yet to actually do that to anyone.

A woman on the radio told her dad that she was pregnant. He was ecstatic and over joyed, then she told him April Fools and he was so disappointed. I guess for years he's been bothering her to have children and thought it was actually time. She wanted to get him back for being so relentless about it.

My co-workers will often play practical jokes on one another, which are harmless but hilarious. One time goopy green goo was stuck into one woman's pocket. When she went to reach for her keys she got a nice surprise. She retaliated by putting vaseline all over the other jokesters phone, keyboard and door handle. It was everywhere.

Have any of you played any practical jokes? I know PP sent a sample of KY Jelly to my house under my alias LOL.

Friendster

So don't ask me why i bother with these things, but i have a profile on friendster, just like the rest of the world. Now what i would like to know, from those of you that have an account, do you often get strange messages from people like i do? I've had people in Turkey give me their phone number, talk about marriage and a bunch of other weird shit. I generally ignore and delete said messages. So i got another one today, it's not terribly bad, just cheesy and i'm sure he's sent the exact same message to many ladies out there. Here it is:

hey, my name is ------, and iam 28 years old , iam
egyptian but i live now in dubai, U.A.E for working.
when i added myself in this website i thought its
just a try to find my other half, but when i saw your
picture i realized that you are my other half, i dont
know why i felt that, maybe your magnificent
beauty or your charming smile, or your pretty eyes
that captured my heart, and maybe all of these
things together made me wish to know you more
and talk to you, if you agree, i know that distance
between us is a problem but believe me once we
get close in heart we can get close in body so
easy, its a mtter of time.......


Hey Moe, if you read this, do you think you can set me up with this guy when i come to visit you down there LOL.....i'm kidding of course :P

Four Brazilian??

So we're out drinking last night ... quel surprise and Tim starts to tell a blond joke to Melissa and myself. It went something like this:

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
The headline read, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to
the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......
"Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"

So i groan and give a slight chuckle as i've heard this before and Melissa stands there looking perplexed because as she put "I don't get it." Yes my friends Melissa is in fact blonde. She may blame this moment on the amount of alcohol she had consumed however i beg to differ :)

Living the High Life

So for the past few days i've been housesitting for my friend and her man. Whenever they go on vacation i'm the official cat/house sitter which i love. They have a hot tub, a pool an elliptical trainer, satellite and a lovely home....plus a really cool cat. He's quite large, but not fat, more muscular. He loves to be loved, is constantly sitting on me, sleeping in my bed and he's obsessed with water. I can't do dishes without him staring into the sink or have a bath without him dipping his paws in the water, he's truly a bizzare but charming character. Dawn was over the other night and he was head butting her and flopping around the couch without any grace at all, he's quite clumsy in fact and sees no problem with jumping all over the place and stretching up on a lamp shade. I'm terribly afraid the lamp will go crashing to the ground one of these days. I mentioned this last time to my friend and she just laughed because she knows he's such a clumsy kitty. I am here until sunday so i shall try to make the most of it, watching tv and lounging in the hot tub.

I've totally jumped out of the box as far as work is concerned. I work for a non profit agency and so we have fundraising events and other such things. At our staff meeting yesterday, they were looking for committee members for a week long event to celebrate our agency. My co-worker joined and then pointed out that she thought i should join too and laughed. I joked around about it and thought i was in the clear, till the end of the meeting when they said "so, we should put your name down?" I tried to weasle out of it by saying my contract would be up by then, but they wouldn't have it....so i yelled "fine" and explained my New Years Resolution to them. I told them this was hurdling the box and they laughed. In any event, i find committees like this to be daunting and too much pressure and i don't think this is anywhere near one of my strong points, but alas i am stepping out of my comfort zone and being a trooper. (I also stayed in all weekend last week, shocker i know)

I am also going with that same co-worker to a volunteer appreciation day at the jail. She works with women who are incarcerated and does release planning with them. I have not yet been to this particular institution and am very excited. We get a tour and get to talk to some of the women so it should be an eye opening experience for me. I've only been to one facility where we had a Christmas party for the women and that was years ago. I spilled pop on one of the ladies .... their one time to be out in the gym and enjoy themselves without being locked behind bars and i dump pop all over one of them LOL...only me!!

Casa Rosso

So my sister called tonight laughing about some commercial that reminded her of when we were in Amsterdam. The ad goes something like this from what i understood....a bunch of men are in a theatre and when the curtain goes up, a saxophone player is on the stage. They all start booing and getting angry. Outside there is a sign that read S _ X. The second letter is covered up by something, the men thought they were going to a SEX show but it turned out to be a SAX show.

This reminded her of Amsterdam as when we were there, we ventured with our tour group to the extra activity not on our itinerary. The live sex show at Casa Rosso. We were lead into what looked like a movie theater with bigger seats and beer, a stage at the front. From what i recall as this was 7 years ago, we proceeded to watch a few different acts if you will, with audience participation. They had a few guys go up and strap dildos onto their heads, trying to get it into that special spot on the woman onstage. She also put a banana in said area and the men proceeded to each take a bite out of it ... Oh my. Then they had Batman and Vicky Vail i think her name was have sex on a revolving platform. The last performance was a tall, dark handsome man dressed as a cop. A member of the audience went up and there were some handcuffs and a billy bat involved if i remember correctly.

Anyway i can't believe my sister went to see this, now she says she was peer pressured because everyone else was going including the tour guide....i just think she's a dirty pervert...hmm i guess that makes me one as well, whatever!

We of course went through the red light district, went on a bike tour which was lovely and i went with some of my fellow travellers into the Grasshopper Coffeshop (and a few other coffee shops which were less touristy) which too was a very interesting experience(sis did not partake in this one). We travelled on an all you can drink glass boat as our final excursion for the end of our journey through Europe. I would definately venture back to Amsterdam if the chance came upon me, it's just such a unique and laid back place. Oi!!

Plumber Mixes Beer and Water Pipes

I found this in the paper yesterday and it gave me a giggle. Too bad it didn't happen at my house :)

CLUMSY PUB PLUMBER MIXES BEER, WATER PIPES
Oslo, Norway
It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet and found the water had turned to beer.

Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.

By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersens' apartment. The local beer distributer helped bartenders reconnect the pipes by telephone instructions.

The Weekend

So i go to visit Jennifer for the end of my Birthday Celebrations. We spend Friday night in, watching her boyfriend and his friend play old sega games. It was quite funny. Skip ahead to Saturday, it was gorgeous outside, warm and sunny. We gather up a friend and mozy on down to this fantastic Indian restaurant that we all love. Yummm i ate so much food it was great. We straighten our friends hair, it's naturally very curly and quite coarse. When we finished Jennifer said it looked like she was wearing a weave. We had dinner plans with Sly and a few others so we met up with them, but after our glutonous lunch, Jennifer and I end up getting salad and feeling terribly bloated and full. We all go our separate ways however Jennifer and I round up Baron to have drinks with us at a pub down the street from her house. The pints begin flowing and at around midnight i decide i would like to go dancing at some bar i've never been to cause this DJ i enjoy is there. This is where the fun begins.

We get to our new location, Jennifer orders up some tequila shots and off we go. We decide to dance, and drink and try new shots. I have several pictures of Jennifer looking rather smashed and she takes it upon herself to tell me how she thinks it's ridiculous that these girls go up to the DJ and hang all over him. After a few more drinks, Jennifer has joined the DJ in his booth, mind you she was not hanging all over him but it was funny nonetheless. At closing time, we go outside and start to walk down some stairs towards a group of people, at which point one points at me and makes a reference to my "huge boobs." Then tells us it's ok he's gay he can say that. Jennifer then encourages him to touch my boobs which he does, and then tells the other 2 guys in the group that they should have a feel too, while the 2 girls of the group watch and laugh. It was hilarious and awful all at the same time.

A cabbie took us back to the apartment, Jennifer spoke German to him, and i took a picture of her still inside the cab yapping while i waited for her to finish. I woke up to Jennifer vomitting at some point....We managed to get tits up....but were we ashamed of ourselves in the morning....perhaps we should have been but we weren't.

Birthday Celebrations

So i turned the big 28 and have spent the better part of the week celebrating. On Saturday a bunch of us started off at my friend Dave's house where he made me do shots of vodka....eek. Then we headed downtown, to find out that the bar i wanted to go to was holding a private party for Juelz? Some rapper guy the homeless and at risk youth i volunteer with had told me about the night before. They were excited about his up coming concert. I still have no idea who he is. The owner of the bar is a friend of a friend so he let us in for some drinks as the VIP people had not arrived yet. Onward we moved to an Irish pub, sucked back a few pints and walked through the freezing cold to our next bar. It had a huge line-up....no thanks, so we trudged forward and passed this awful awful bar but decided to go in and pee and see what it was like. Now i must say, this bar is famous for having young young kids in it, and not somewhere i would normally ever hang out. That being said, it was packed with little ones and the bloody bartender actually carded me. I couldn't believe it, i laughed and handed it over. So i order a redbull and vodka and he pours two of them. I tell him i just want one and he said one was for him, he was taking the rest of my redbull as there is always some left over. I told him no he was not. He bought me a shot, an orgasm, and of course made some crude/funny remark. I let him have the remainder of my redbull after that. We ended the evening at yet another bar, but i had a good time.

On my actual birthday, i worked, went to dinner, the salon (got my bangs) and out again for drinks. This time we ended up at the Irish pub.....but left, too many youngins and went to the bar that hosted the party for Juelz. It was fun, we watched Karaoke, made fun of and tried to no avail to take pictures of a man with longer hair then me and the same bangs (perhaps they were not such a good idea). Our friends friend was there the owner so he fed us a few shots and the drinking began. Needless to say i was useless at work today. My boss started laughing at me, told me i smelled horrible like stale alcohol and made me eat breath mints and gum....I work with people on probation some of who have alcohol and drug problems....she said i would be their favorite worker because i would smell just like them and then she continued to laugh and laugh at me and make jokes. I ended up putting my feet up on my desk and turning the lights out. My coworker shut my door and told me to lay down on the floor. I didn't, but i was quite happy for the 1st time that most of my clients didn't show up, usually i'm complaining because they never show. I finally felt better around 3 and actually managed to get some work done. It did take me almost 4 hours to eat a bagel though.

This weekend I will be going up to Jennifer's neck of the woods for the ending of my special week. I told her we were to get tits up and be ashamed of ourselves in the morning....Kompai!!!