Pooped

I've been absolutely knackered these past few days, weddings and birthdays and more weddings and birthdays next weekend as well, I need a bit of a break I do think. That being said I'm heading off to bed at *gasp* 11pm, unheard of for this gal as I'm generally quite the nighthawk. I've absolutely nothing left in me this evening so I shall leave you with this silly joke until Wednesday:

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank & shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.

She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son all was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.'What's wrong?' asked the mother 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told
her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room
in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened.
You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.''No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Let's end today with a man who makes me tingle....Mr. Lenny Kravitz!!!! Yowza!!!

The Commute

So as most of you know I have a 45 min drive into work and a 45 min drive home. It's mainly highway driving so I just throw on the tunes and off I go. The drive in the AM is rather enjoyable as I listen to this hilarious morning show which in all respects is rather inappropriate, but funny as hell. They have a blind movie reviewer, ridiculous contests (the male thong race around the city for 1.5 hours, beat your meat, go to mansions in the richest part of town get ingredients and ask to use the home owners kitchen to make a dish all at 8am and be back in the studio by 9:30am) and the hosts are ridiculously funny.

The less oh shall I say pleasant part of the commute begins when I veer off the highway and into the city where I work. Here are a few photos of the last 10 minutes of my drive......YUCK!!! This is the beauty i see every day....enjoy!!!


Hmmmmm the fresh air yummmm!!!!

Oh and the Trucks, gotta love the trucks!!! They are freaking everywhere throwing stones all over my windshield booooo trucks boooooo!!!

Can everyone see why I am dreading moving to such a place???? Bleh!!! The downtown area is not much nicer unless you enjoy crack and other such vices. Egad certainly not my bag, think i'll commute for a little while longer.

Too Good to be True!!

This week has been truly amazing and I feel very thankful. I went to see John Mayer in concert and I must say, that man can groove. I've never really given him much thought other than I enjoy his music, but he blew me away live. Johnny (as I like to call him) worked his guitar, he sauntered around the stage, wiggling his hips, tapping his feet......and I melted. His voice was absolutely angelic and gave me shivers. That is how I know an artist has touched me....when I get chills. Jeff Martin ( I know I know boooo ashley booo) and Sarah Sleane have also had that affect on me live.

My amazing coworker mentioned that she had an extra ticket to see Stephen Lewis the following night and invited me along. The evening had been sold out since September and I was so incredibly excited and will be forever grateful. I have wanted to see him speak for ages and of course he did not disappoint. Stephen was charasmatic, eloquent and absolutely hilarious. He spoke, read pages from his book Race Against Time and of course brought the audience and himself to tears. It was a rather intimate speak with less than 300 people in the crowd, he answered questions and of course signed his book.

He also suggested a book entitled "28 stories of AIDS in Africa" by Stephanie Nolen. I picked it up this evening and shall give it my full attention next week.

I feel at peace this week, it's a rather bizzare feeling for me but i'm definately digging it. I have some goals that I am working towards (Lord give me strength for the one haha) but so far I have managed to stay on track Woo Hoo!!

Vegas Baby!!!

Highlights of the Trip:

*The teenager sitting directly behind me on the plane gagging and eventually throwing up.... a lot....upon our arrival into MacCarran Airport. I wanted to die.

(GoGo dancers in the tub)

*Tao....I adore Tao. It's this 42,000 square foot playground with a restaurant, dance club and a lounge all under the watchful eye of a 20 foot Buddha. When you enter the club there are nearly naked women bathing in a tub surrounded by water and flowers. The service at this bar dreadful but well worth the wait. We partied like it was 1999 into the very wee hours of the morning.

*Which leads into my next point.... no last call. Aside from the fact that you can consume your alcoholic beverages anywhere at all, Vegas has a 24 hour happy hour. We went out one evening at 2am to O'Shea's. It's this little bar attached to the Flamingo where we always seem to meet the cream of the crop. This year it was a group of homophobic racisits that we let entertain us for a few hours. They were ridiculous. We emerged from the bar at 7am...oh my!!

(We ordered a shot....they gave us 1/2 a glass of liquidy delight)

(Enormous drinks as well...NOTE: this is not my drink but merely a prop)

(LD and I leaving O'Shea's at 7am, "Crap it's light outside")

*Jennifer and her interest in the police and people getting arrested, which we saw quite a few times. She likened it to watching cops and squealed with delight when she thought she saw a low speed car chase. "Look, look guys look."

*The words that came out of Jennifer's mouth were also a highlight for this trip. For those of you that know her, you'll understand what I mean. She's hilarious. Some guy walked into O'Shea's and declared "All I want to eat is some pussy" to which Jennifer replied "I don't think they sell that at Subway." (He was heading for the Subway restaurant). She also said "How is it possible that I am both the most flirtatious of the group and also the Cliff Clavin?" LD and I had tears streaming down our faces we were laughing so hard. Jennifer is the biggest flirt i've ever met and she is also a wealth of information and loves to share her stories or answer questions....much like Cliff.

*Red Rock Canyon National Conservation Area was absolutely beautiful. We rented a car and drove along the scenic route at dusk. It was such a contrast to the lights and action of the city that never sleeps, it was serene and absolutely breathtaking.



*Our only celebrity sighting was Exhibit from Pimp my Ride. He was playing craps at the Palms....LD pointed him out, I had no idea who he was. Oh and apparently Prince plays once a week at the Rio...dammit!!!! We missed him!!!

*The bartender Josh nicknamed me "Trashley"....how the heck did that happen. I've had Rashrey, Assley and many many other nicknames but never Trashley. LD and Jennifer thought that was the funniest thing they had ever heard.....I hate Josh :)

*Our flight into the Denver airport was HORRIBLE. I've never had such a ghastly landing. The pilot asked the flight attendants to take their seats early into the flight as there was a lot of turbulance to which Jennifer replied "no shit." As we approached the runway our plane was teetering back and forth like a seesaw. I thought one of the wings would hit before the wheels. I hate landing and taking off.....this just traumatized me even more.

So all and all we had a fantastic vacation. It was much more relaxed than last time, the weather was fantastic and we went off the beaten path. Seriously though, my body needs a break from all the late nights and copious amounts of booze. Viva Las Vegas!!!

Would you Rather......

We made it back from Vegas safe and sound however, I am far too tired and under the weather to actually post about our vacation at this present time. I even slathered the inside of my nose with balm on the plane as Dan suggested.....bollocks I say!!! Too many germy people in such a small area. On the bright side, it didn't hit me until our flight home and was in truth more likely my body protesting the lack of sleep and obscene amounts of booze I inflicted upon it. I'll post some photos and such this week. For now, let's play a quick game of Would you Rather????

1.Would you rather have all of your hair feel/look like pubes or be completely bald??
(Hmm i'd have to go with bald on this ones, wigs people wigs)

2.Chug a strangers cum out of a full 2 litre bottle or drink a 12 oz glass with a mixture of month old milk and cremated body ash??
(Crap, i'd have to say the 2 litre bottle. Old food and drinks make me want to vomit)

3. Have sex once with a 99 year old or be passionately lusted after and stalked by people over the age of 75??
(Stalkers = creepy and really how long can a 99 year old last, that would be the least painful of the two)

Feel free to add your own, hope everyone had a great Easter!!! Oh, I just had this emailed to me and it's freaking hilarious. Check it out, it's less than 2 mins long. It's entitled "Deadly Handsome Men"

Peace Out Yo!

Ummmmm I took my snow tires off of my car last weekend and this is what i wake up to.........you've got to be fucking kidding me!!! I am well aware that it is a very tiny amount of snow however that does not negate the fact that it's minus 3 outside but feels like minus 10 with the windchill. Brrrrrr!!!

I saw the surgeon today and he's sending me off for an MRI to see if I have torn cartlidge. I was less than thrilled with this answer as I was hoping for some type of solution .... now....not in another month and a half. His only advice was to "take it easy until the MRI." Gee thanks!!!

The one thing I am very much looking forward to this week is Vegas Baby!!! I'm most looking forward to the 89 degree weather (some of you already have that now....bastards) and just being able to relax ... well as much as one can in a place that never sleeps. I went shopping the other day for a new bathing suit and could not find one tankini with a built in bra.....not one. So i'm heading over the river to Victoria Secret's to see what they have. I figure the models have huge tatas so they must have suits with some type of support right? Anyway, I wish you all a great weekend, enjoy spending time with your families or stuffing yourselves silly with chocolate. I'll be at Jimmy Buffets at 9am "because

Miss Ash goes Platinum

So the Leaf's game was fantastic and the seats were even better. We had four gold seats (21 rows from the ice) & two platinum seats (7 rows from the ice). The 6 of us took turns in the ultra close seats. I took mine last, during the 3rd period and was able to catch the overtime up close and personal, much to the dismay of the girl who gave us the tickets. I received a text "You bastards" from her haha. The game was great, Penguins tied it up with 4 seconds left in the game.....Crazy!!! This poor man had a heart attack, lost all of his vital signs but thankfully a nurse was sitting close by and I heard he made it through. Certainly cannot complain, great seats for free, it's good to have connections yo!!


I missed a friends Stag & Doe for the game, but made it back at 1am to say hello and head out for a few drinks with them, so I was happy about that.


I spent friday evening at a play, had the game on saturday and threw a wedding shower on sunday. So needless to say it has been a very full weekend and unfortunately there will be no time to rest this week. I'll be off to Vegas on Saturday and only have the next few days to get everything in order as the stores will be closed on Friday and I am out of town on Tuesday. I am looking forward to the toasty weather......and Tao oh how I adore Tao!!!! We've also been throwing around the idea of a day trip perhaps to Red Canyon or The Painted Desert. I'd love to go hiking but doubt that will be an option due to my wanky knee. It would however be lovely to see some of the desert and beauty while we are there.

I am also thrilled that my appt with the surgeon is on Thursday so I can figure out what the heck is going on. I'm sure it's nothing major but i will be relieved once I actually speak to the man and can get a treatment plan in place. Hope everyone had a great weekend!!!

Hillarity at it's fineset!!

This photo makes me laugh, it was sent from a friend over the pond. I must say it looks like a rather awkward game of soccer, perhaps that's how the aussie's play, who knows. We thought it would be funny for you ladies and gents to come up with creative captions to go with the photo. I personally really can't think of anything other than he looks like a deer walking for the 1st time after birth haha or "I'm the goalpost dammit, shoot between my legs!!!"Which both are terribly poor attempts at humour.....boo Ashley boo!!

Have a great weekend folks. I'm off to the Leafs game tomorrow night, Platinum seats Woo Hoo!!! I'm only going so I can look at the eye candy in the stands :)

Ummmm Can you even Imagine??? I can't....

This is apparently a real article from Housekeeping Magazine circa 1955. Click on the photo to enlarge the text.

A few of my favs:

*remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours

*remember he is the master of the house

*a good wife always knows her place

HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus Camp

On friday my friend and I rented Jesus Camp.........oh my!!!! Throughout the entire documentary our faces were scrunched up and brows furrowed in that sort of HUH???? & WTF is going on sort of way. It was all so very bizzare.

Children's Minister Becky Fischer runs an evangelical summer camp called "Kids on Fire" in Devil's Lake(tee hee), North Dakota. We are introduced to three children, Tori, Levi and Rachel. Inside the camp the children are often shown crying, speaking in tongues and are taught the evils of abortion and of course Harry Potter. They are taught to be better solidiers in the Army of God and at one point Fischer says that she would like fundamentalist Christians to show the same kind of devotion as fundamentalist Muslims. She denies brainwashing the children and the parents say that they do not force their children to love the Lord. It's funny though, at one point in the film Fischer asks her congregation "who loves the Lord?" and one woman forcibly raises her children's hands. Another young boy tells his friends at the camp that he does in fact watch Harry Potter at his father's house, something his mother does not allow. The faces of the children he tells are pricesless, looks of absolute shock and horror that he would watch such a thing. Don't even get me started on the lifesize cutout of George Bush that was placed infront of the congregation.......oh lord!! I found the whole anti-abortion part very creepy, seeing young children(7, 8 & 9 year olds) with red tape on their mouths with the words LIFE in black marker. It's an interesting albeit disturbing documentary and worth a view if you have not seen it.

In other news I completely broke down today in tears, full out sobbing like a 10 year old. I had been out all afternoon with a friend I had not seen in years. It was great to catch up and we had a wonderful visit. I headed to my car and my knee was absolutely throbbing, I could barely walk. This has been going on for far too long and I just lost it. I can't play volleyball, I can't go to my kickboxing class, I am going to Vegas in April and would love to hike the Grand Canyon and doubt that will be possible. The pills he gave me are not working and i'm still extremely swollen, sore and apparently feeling terribly sorry for myself. Luckily the Dr. will be going over my xrays with me this week and I will be seeing the surgeon in early April so hopefully I will have some idea of what the hell is going on. But yeah, i cried!!

Bombaloch!!!

Oh my!!!! Bunny decided it was a great idea to tear apart some paper towels that he had found. Sneaky little bugger!!! How could I possibly get angry at such a cute face? I just started to laugh at all the fun my little bombaloch was having. He's soooo freaking cute!!

The following photos are from an email i received about mother nature being dirty. She sure is, take a look:






Speaking of dirty, my friend texted me about the other night, the fun he had and the lipstick that was left on him....crap.

Yowza!!

I have had some knee issues as of late and decided to give the doc a visit as it was becoming unbearable really. Turns out there is fluid, perhaps a tear and who knows what else. He gave me some pills, an xray and a referral to an Orthopaedic Surgeon.....yikes!!! He doubts it will be that dramatic, but thought it best to check it out completely to be on the safe side. It's funny, you don't really notice things until they hurt, like walking up or down the stairs is killing me right now yet it's something i've obviously been taking for granted. This sucks!!


I spent St. Patty's Day with a bunch of friends at one bar.......all afternoon and all night long. We had a good time, the line up outside was ridiculous at like 7pm. Very odd but didn't concern us as we had already been there for a few hours at that point. These silly mofos were rather entertaining. I wonder if their arms are sore this morning haha.


This is Gavin, he claimed that this was the only green shirt that he owned. I wonder if his current girlfriend appreciated the shirt.



My friend decided to tell me that he would really like to date me ...... ummm errr, ahhhhh. To make matters worse I may or may not have kissed him errrrrr ahhhhhh oops! Not thinking this is such a good idea. I'll just pretend I have no idea what he's talking about if he brings it up haha.

Grandpa Kicked my Ass!!!

So over the past week, i've had a few birthday celebrations. LD and I went to visit Jennifer last weekend for some all you can eat sushi and some shameful behaviour which included a few people grabbing the girls a la Jennifer's request. Thanks Jennifer, that's the most action i've had in a long time ;)

My hometown celebration turned out to be a great success as well. I have different groups of friends, there's the boys that i've been friends with for 13 years, there's the highschool crew, the rugby boys...you get the idea. For one evening, all of these groups came together and it was fantastic. I had an amazing time.........that is until the shots started to kick in and I desperately wanted to go home. Unfortunately my friends are not into girly shots.....no siree bob....tequila, jager, liquid cocaine OH MY!!! I went downhill fast and begged random people to grab me as much water as possible; a trough would have been nice at this point. I stumbled over to a group of my friends and begged them to take me home. This request was met with laughter and "you're not really going home are you?" It was only 1am. The most embarassing part of the entire evening occured when I left the bar early and my friend who I refer to as grandpa stayed. He loathes not only going out, but also when such nights fall into the wee hours of the morning. Lucky for me the taunting began only moments after I got into the cab. I didn't pick up my phone but was left with messages "hey Ash we're out drinking" "hahahaha" "snicker snicker" "what happended to the party girl....must be the old age" insert a roar of laughter. I am never ever going to live that down. If this is what 29 feels like.....you can take it back because i'm not interested!!!!

Here are some pics from my hometown shindig.

The old Crew

They're real and they're spectacular!!

The Gals

1st Shot of the evening

Let's face it we've all been frustrated in an Exam!!!

I just got this email the other day entitled "We've all been frustrated in Exams" and thought it was hilarious. Enjoy: