I received an email from PP recently that made me laugh so hard. You see I'm a very social person and tend to go out quite frequently. Like everyone else I'm either making the plans or I've been invited out by somebody else. It drives me bonkers when I make the plans, call one or two other people to join me and then receive calls the next day from others asking "why didn't you invite me, I would have gone". There's always a reason for such things, perhaps I just want one on one time with a certain person, maybe it's a weekend away in which another friend is putting us up and only has so much room for guests or perhaps making driving arrangements for three people is much less of a hassle than making plans for 7 people.

I get that question a lot in regards to concerts and I have tried in the past to accommodate a fair amount of people.....which ultimately screws me over because trying to seat 6 people together is more difficult than say 2. You always get better seats when seating less people. So I have to be stuck in the nosebleeds because 5 other people want to come......I don't think so!

You'll often hear me say "Why do I have to invite everyone I know everywhere I am going?" when I get the "why didn't you invite me out, I would have gone" question.


So PP sends me the following email with the subject line "It's official you're the George"


Im hanging out cleaning, and Seinfeld comes on..... It's an episode ive never seen about a parking spot? Anyway, George is standing on the side of the street and I actually looked up the script to copy and paste it in here.


KRAMER: By the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market.


ELAINE: What?


KRAMER: Yeah, Jerry, he told me all about it.


GEORGE: Oh great.


JERRY: I didn't know.


ELAINE: Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.

GEORGE: Well I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.



MIKE: A flea market? You went to a flea market??

GEORGE: Hey, who's talking to you?


ELAINE: We just didn't think of you.


KRAMER: You said it, sister.


GEORGE: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - how many times have you said that???????? You say that all the time. PFFFFFFFFFFfff. You're the George!!!!!! HAHAHAHA




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Ugh, how did I become the George?? I've been told by countless people that I'm Elaine.....but now George.....what the hell!!! Ha!

I feel a bit like a vase that has been shattered into a million little pieces. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to glue the pieces back together, they’re not whole anymore but rather broken and fragile. I’ve been feeling a bit melancholy and empty as of late for one reason or another. I’ll snap out of it eventually as these feelings seem to come and go as sure as the sun rises and sets, so I’m not too concerned about them. They’re mere speed bumps in my journey nothing more and nothing less. I'm just thankful that mine are minute in comparison to the bumps that other people must face.

For that I am grateful.

An addendum, I wrote this a few days ago.....and then I watched an episode of Oprah. She had on two guests, the first was a woman who was shot in the face by her partner and therefore needed a face transplant. The second was a little girl with "mermaid" syndrome. Both women had an amazing outlook on life, were strong and very inspiring. They have persevered through the unthinkable and made me realize that I really need to be more thankful for all that I have. In fact I felt like a ginormous asshole for writing the above after I watched the show, I always feel bad for feeling bad, like oohhhh poor me when I see stories such as theirs. So now not only do I feel like a broken shattered vase but an asshole at that!

I'll be fine.

I had a lovely weekend visiting with my gal pals that I don't get to see very often. L and I spent a leisurely Friday getting cute pedicures at this quiet little shop. As if that wasn't relaxing enough we then headed over to this Japanese restaurant to have lunch and catch up some more. It was great as the waitress sat us on the opposite side of the restaurant from everyone else so it was super cozy and again nice and quiet.


We then went shopping and eventually ended up at her friends place......this like 70ish year old man that loooovveesss to party. He has this crazy bar set up in his living room full on with a 200 CD changer, flashing lights and bizzaro nick nacks. We stayed there for a few brewskis and then headed on our way. I'm not going to lie I would have stayed there all night but it was dinner time, he was already trashed and we both had to get home.


On Saturday a few of us got together with a friend who we rarely get to see as she lives a few hours away. We went for lunch and the conversation just kept a flowing. We reminisced about old times, laughed about current goings on and of course our inappropriate thoughts IE Why don't we date someone who is in AA.....then we'd have a DD......terrible I know but kinda funny nonetheless. Clumsy me of course catapults my chopstick off the table and it flips and flips through the air and thankfully lands right beside me. I seriously thought it was going to hit someone behind me in the face....I would have died had that happened. It was really great to have lunch with the girls as we laughed so hard tears were streaming down our faces. We're all absolutely ridiculous I love it!!


LD and I heard that there were baseball tournaments going on all weekend so we hit up the Wrinkle Ranch to check out the talent. She got hit on by a 43 year old man and Burt Reynolds twin asked me to dance.....I declined. That place is fantastic for entertainment as the clientele are VERY interesting and run anywhere from 19 to 85 years old. The old men line up near the washrooms to oogle the women, cougars are everywhere and the pieces of clothing people wear are priceless. They played old tunes like Funky Cold Medina, Strokin and Just a Friend by Biz Markie. Seriously what could be better!!!!

We finished off the weekend on a patio bar for lunch. The weather was phenomenal and we figured the place would be packed but we were sooooo wrong. It was like a ghost town down there which was surprising as it's the place to be in the summer and it was nice and hot out. We could have cared less as we got a prime parking spot and our choice of table so it was perfect.

Clearly my waistline isn't enjoying my eating in restaurants everyday as I seem to have magically gained ohhhhh 8 pounds back this summer. I mean when you think about that calorie wise it's really quite disgusting as 3500 calories equals one pound. Spin class tonight anyone??

So I was at the park recently with a child (not mine obviously) and it was absolutely barren, just the two of us which was nice. No screaming kids running around and lots of room for us to play. Anyway a work truck pulled up and I recognized one of the workers as a guy I used to go to high school with. We were friends, hung out a bit and lost touch once everyone went their separate ways to Uni/College.

I saw another girl that I used to work with 10 years ago at this same park about a month ago. I avoided her at all costs....not because I didn't like her....but because I hate seeing people so many years later as I've grown a bit sideways instead of vertically and am terribly self conscious about it. I also hate small talk and answering trivial questions about my singledom.

Back to high school guy, clearly there was no avoiding this interaction as it would have been far too obvious had I jumped behind a tree or crawled under the jungle gym. There were no crowds to get lost in....so of course he came over and said hello. We did the usual pleasantries, where do you work, what's new etc. Of course the conversation turned to relationships:

HSG: So are you married?

MA: No

HSG: Are you seeing anyone?

MA: No

HSG: Really? Come on Miss Ash, why not? You gotta get out there!!


He then went on to talk about his baby that is on they way etc etc etc. It was nice running into him.....but made me once again feel inadequate as you see I get asked this question all of the time by people I haven't seen in a long time. My answer is always "no" and they always wonder why.


I used to volunteer at this place and became friends with one of the workers. He moved jobs, I stopped volunteering and we lost touch for a good year. Anyway, we eventually reconnected and he was like "for the love of God please tell me you've had a relationship in the past year" cause he had had a few and had even been engaged in the few years I had known him and yet I had always remained single. Same answer "nope" he was like "WTF??"

What the fuck indeed sir!!! There's a point to all of this.....I swear. So I have a friend who has joined a few dating websites and she's been bothering me to do the same. She's also told me that I have to go on at least one date before the end of this year. I was also talking to a fellow blogger about this and the possibility of trying the whole online thing. We both know a few cool couples who have hooked up this way which makes me feel a bit better.......like there are some interesting (not creepy interesting) but interesting cats out there. I'm sooooo close to giving it a whirl but I have a feeling my self consciousness will take charge and I'll end up with a shitload of internet friends as I'll refuse to meet any of them due to my insecurities. Bah!! What to do what to do.......

Wiwille recently posted a horrendously embarrassing story where he felt the need to intervene and stand up for some Subway workers while a man yelled his order at them. Go over and read the story as it's quite funny in an oops I was trying to be helpful but became a jackass sort of way.


It reminded me of this one time I was about to board a streetcar. As people were exiting and I was waiting to get on I notice this young boy ripping up pieces of paper and throwing them out of the window and onto the street. What the fuck??? For those of you that don't really know me, I despise and I do mean despise litter bugs. Not only was he throwing shit out of the window but he was ripping the garbage up into teeny tiny pieces. Maybe he didn't get the memo .... there was no ticker tape parade going on that day.


So I finally get on and as I do I glare not only at the child but at the adult sitting beside him. I then sit directly across from them and as I'm about to ask how the hell they think it's okay to throw shit out the window and how disgusted I am with them both the kid starts freaking out. He grabs the adults hair (which is long) and starts to rip it out of her head and won't let go. Another woman from the back of the street car runs up to try and help her before I can even move an inch. They seem to know one another and the child's name, put him in a non violent crisis intervention move and interlock their legs with his and bend his head over. I look around and realize there are a lot of younger kids on the car with a few adults scattered in between...they're all on some type of excursion.


Turns out the litter bug was autistic and I am really really happy that I kept my mouth shut granted it was not on purpose but only because he started to grab that woman's hair. Otherwise I would have gotten on my soapbox and started telling him he was an asshole and that the "mother" should have taught him better and how the youth of today are not respectful. So sometimes it's best to keep ones mouth shut regardless of what's going on!

Sidenote, I went to school with a guy who turned out to be schizophrenic. He got himself into trouble with the law recently and some jackass wrote a letter to the editor about how he should rot in jail etc. The guy from school broke a few windows people....okay quite a few but not residential properties. Anyway I felt like writing back to the jackass about how you don't always know what is going on and everything is not as it seems. His mental health issues were never printed in the paper so this guy just figured he was some hooligan wasting a Saturday night trashing other people's property. I was absolutely livid and wanted to rip him a new one telling him to get all of his facts straight and to learn the meaning of compassion.

Okay so my posts have been a bit cranky rather than glass half full lately for whatever reason. For Yrautcas sake I'll try to make this one a little less Debbie Downer!

This past long weekend I went up to a friends cottage for 4 days and had a blast. We drank appalling amounts of alcohol, sat around a blazing fire and played a few silly games (which of course landed me with a gigantic bruise on my arm and I now have to wear longer shirts to work this week.....only it's 30 degrees outside and I don't really have any 3/4 length shirts...fuck). We also met a bunch of 20 year old boys errrr men who loved nothing more than to hear their own voices. Of course us ladies secretly named a few of them: (Please note NONE of us were interested in them they just wanted to party with some old folks and try to impress not only the women but the men as well with their ridiculous stories)

Chatty Kathy, loved loved loved to talk about himself and how wonderful he was, how great his work was and how much he knew about everything.

Dirty Stache, also loved to talk non stop however was more tolerable than CK. I would assume his nickname would be self explanatory ..... but if you don't get it, he had a wee bit of peach fuzz above his top lip.

Those two were brothers and had a father up there who was nice enough.....to the men....but seemed to dislike the ladies. He gave all our male friends shirts from his bar, wanted to take them tubing (or toobing) etc. Where the fuck is my shirt buddy???

FNG: fucking new guy.....he came up later than the rest, seemed pleasant enough though could barely stand up as he was soooooo wasted. I didn't really talk to him as he wasn't able to function much less carry on a conversation.

There was another one who let's just say LD dubbed my boyfriend....I'll leave it at that because it's super mean....but kinda funny all at the same time! He really seemed to look up to one of our male friends and would repeat everything that he said which after a few cocktails made the ladies laugh. It's funny how we can just look at one another and automatically lose it with a glance.

So anyway for whatever reason this group of people kept coming over to our fire and hanging out with us. I forget how they originally showed up or how we became their new best friends but they were around a lot. They were great for entertainment albeit slightly annoying as "I hate them" was uttered more than once from the gals but I did laugh like crazy more than once.

There's also an embarrassing story about yours truly that I shall never repeat but I was crying I was laughing so hard at myself. Partly mortifying and partly fucking hilarious!

I've vowed to take it easy after the 20th and tone it down a bit as I really enjoyed this summer a little too much if you know what I mean. Too much partying and random bruises do not do a body good! It's time to get back to my goals, read some books, get my ass to the gym and relax a bit. Unfortunately my throat started to feel a bit odd last night, tight (if that makes any sense) like it's swollen and hurts when I swallow. Cross your fingers it's just a sore throat and nothing worse like strep cause I have a long long day at work tomorrow and no time for Dr's appointments! Oi!

Things that annoy me:



I don't care how long it takes me to type a proper text or a proper email but for the love of God people PLEASE stop using ridiculous short forms. I cringe every time I see U, R, gr8 or ur in one of these forms of communication. Guess what....I only have 140 characters to type per text as well and I still manage to type you, are, great, your or you're in there.



I've been single for ages but I can guarantee when I do get a partner that I won't ignore the friends I used to be close with. I know a few people like that they're all consumed by their relationships and spend every waking breathing hour with their boyfriend/girlfriend. It kind of makes me laugh when things fizzle because my phone starts ringing again.......only I don't care to go out of my way to hang out with my newly single friend.


This next one sort of goes hand in hand with the above pet peeve. I also don't understand when I invite my friend somewhere that they think it's an automatic invite for their significant other as well. It's like nooooo I asked you to the movie or for a drink or whatever. It would be different if there was a group of people going, but sometimes you just want Q time with a certain person. I had a friend that was soooo stuck to her boyfriend that she invited him to our friends birthday luncheon.......that was specifically for the girls! The birthday girls husband was not even there.....but our friends boyfriend was!



It really gets under my skin when I answer the phone "hello" and no one answers back. If you're lucky I may say hello one more time before hanging up but it's not very likely. I figure if it's important the person will call back and actually put some words together so I can hear them.

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Anyway I'm heading up north tomorrow for the long weekend and am hoping that the highway is not jammed......cross your fingers!!! Enjoy whatever it is you are doing for this last bit of summer as it's already getting chilly down here brrrrr!!!!