He ate the piece of paper...Oh my

So a few funny things this week. I had called a probation officer to find out if my client had been released from prison and left her a message. She in turn called me back and left me one that went something like this:

She stated that the client had indeed been released and she had met with him a few days prior. She reminded him to give me a call and even wrote out my phone number and extension on it. He then proceeded to take the piece of paper, put it in his mouth and "ate it, right infront of me." She commented that apparently he had gone wacko and not to expect a call from him because he no longer had the number as he had eaten it.

At this point I burst into uncontrollable laughter. I'm not sure if it was how she said it or what he actually did, but i could not stop laughing.

PP also reminded me this week in an email of a time i made her burst into uncontrollable laughter. Her parents have a pond behind their house and we decided to go kayaking last summer. My mother kept warning me "whatever you do, don't go in that water it's disgusting and filthy." So of course, i'm trying carefully to get into the bloody kayak but have no idea what i'm doing. I get one leg in, then the other and boom i roll right into the pond. I'm freaking out and trying to get back on the dock because now i think i'm going to grow another head from being in the filth. Needless to say after PP finished laughing at me, we went kayaking. Upon our return to her house, we recanted the story to her mother, she also said "ewe" and made a disgusted looking face at me.

Hands off

So i'm at the grocery store today grabbing some fresh basil as i wanted to make one of those yummy salads with tomatoes, boconcini cheese, olive oil and balsalmic vinegar. Anyway, the cashier looks at my Basil in it's clear plastic encasing, smiles and proceeds to put it right up to her nose and breath in deeply while moaning "mmmmmmmmmmm." She then goes on about how everyone should tie some basil together with a string and hang it in the kitchen because it would just smell "sooooo" good.

I'm half disgusted that her snotty nose just touched my herbs and in a bit of shock. However at the same time i'm slightly amused because i've never ever seen a cashier do such a thing before as it's rather inappropriate. That's what i get for being a cheap ass and going to the store under renovations.

MSN weirdos

Ok, so a friend of mine joined that website Hot or Not years ago. You put your pic up and you can rate people from 1 to 10 and they in turn rate you. It's silly and fun but there are a lot of strange cats out there. Take for instance this gent that i refer to as "man sausage." He somehow made it onto my msn list and in the first few minutes of conversation, he asked me if i ate "man sausage" because i do not eat meat. I was not amused by his humour and chatted with him a few times after that. He was boring and kept asking me to meet him, i told him i did not meet people off the net and i just had my picture up for fun. He's been long removed from my msn. Though every now and again i'll get a "hi" from him, because i just deleted but did not block him. In over a year i have not once replied until last night. I figured i would just tell him the truth that i have no interest in talking to him cause apparently he's too dumb to figure that out on his own.

That apparently did not go over too well and/or he's terribly annoying and stupid to boot.
He sends me a "hello, do you remember me" message to which i reply yes and that i have no desire to chat with him. I told him he never had anything to say and was rude. Here is the rest:

Mikey says:
i do id like to o chat agin and get to know you better i was A JERK BEFORE AND IM SORRY

Miss Ash says:
i really have no interest

Miss Ash says:
but take care

Mikey says:
why are you dating i would like to chat again

Miss Ash says:
yes i am, sorry

Mikey says:
wel then why are you on msn all the time

Miss Ash says:
i talk to my friends on msn, why else would i be on it?

Mikey says:
and im on your msn and you dont want to chat

Miss Ash says:
no you're not on my msn i deleted you a long time ago

Mikey says:
you are on mine is that ok or do you want me to delete it

Miss Ash says:
you can delete it, you never had anything to say and you were rude. I have enough friends.

Mikey says:
well you never gave me a good chance

Miss Ash says:
not my problem i didn't get a good impression, sorry

Mikey says:
well we havent chatted in a while and i was being weird

Miss Ash says:
true however, i have no desire to continue, so you can delete me

Mikey says:
why dont you give me a chance to talk and see what can happen from there

Miss Ash says:
cause i'm dating someone, I already told you that

Mikey says:
we can still chat and be friends

Miss Ash says:
there's no point, i'd rather not you can delete me now, take care

Mikey says:
am i ugly or something

Miss Ash says:
no i already told you and now you are being annoying

Mikey says:
im not like that now

Miss Ash says:
i dont' really care, i have lots of friends, i'm not looking for anymore

Mikey says:
if your seeing someone why you still on hot or not

Mikey says:
my bouz want to meet your friends

Mikey says:
boyz

Miss Ash says:
delete me

Mikey says:
i cant imyy friends want to meet you friends there right here

Miss Ash says:
ok so i will block you then

Miss Ash says:
take care

Mikey says:
why

Mikey says:
i never said anything wrong too you


This was the end of it and i blocked him. GOOD LORD LOL. I obviously lied and said i was seeing someone and he still goes on to be like let's chat and see where it goes. WTF. I also like the if you are dating someone why are you on msn LOL. He also asks me if i want him to delete me, when i reply yes he refuses. When i tell him he is being annoying he replies with "i'm not like that now" LOL. The whole thing about not being able to delete me because his "boyz" want to meet my friends was extremly confusing. No idea what he was talking about LOL. I was so baffled by this moronic conversation that i had to save it and have a good giggle over it. Hope you enjoyed. I no longer add complete strangers to my msn.

Salad Fingers

Salad Fingers is a flash cartoon character created by David Firth. My sister said some of her students introduced her to this cartoon and she in turn showed me.

The main character is called Salad Fingers. He's this strange green man with long, green fingers which are very sensitive to rough surfaces. Salad Fingers will stimulate himself by rubbing his fingers on such objects as rusty nails, rusty tea kettles, metal jail-cell bars and nettles.

Salad Fingers has a strange habit of providing narration for other characters rather than engaging in actual conversation, even if the characters are living beings capable of speech. He speaks with an English accent and has these horrible teeth, full of blood and mould.

The newest episode came out in January Episode 7. It's as strange as the rest of them, however my favorite is still Episode #4 The Cage, in which a little boy takes a liking to Salad Fingers. Anyway, check it out, see what you think. Each episode is fairly short, less than 5 minutes. I'm sure you'll agree, he's a strange but enjoyable character.

Salad Fingers Episode #4

David Firth's Website

You can view the other 6 Episodes on his site, click Cartoons and look for Salad Fingers.

Happy HNT

I got my 1st pedicure ever today. It tickled like crazy but i sucked it up. I'm off for 5 days and it's a beautiful sunny day outside, i'm in a fantastic mood!!

Our Friendship is like S & M....

So i went to visit Jennifer this weekend. We shopped, had a bite to eat and then went to see my friends band play. I had never seen them before but thought the music would be punk.....turned out it was more like gun's n roses. However, the singer reminded us of Jack Black when he danced and was quite entertaining. We were sitting beside one another on a bench, facing the right where the stage was, when some random guy pulls up a chair at our table and proceeds to stare at us. I refused to look at him but i could feel it, and then he started to flail his arms around like a madman trying to get our attention. It was horrifying. He also decided to take the candle off the table and light up a smoke.....in the non smoking bar, pure class. We figured he wanted to show us his rebellious side. So after us laughing and whispering "There's your boyfriend" to one another, he got up and wandered off. We went outside and some guy who works in the porn industry, so he says, decided to chat with us and another girl. He was in marketing or something, anyway i thought he was rather attractive and Jennifer was disgusted. We go back inside and turns out he's friends with the rebel, yikes.

Saturday night we went to see her boyfriends band play, then walked back to her apartment for some drinks with everyone. On the way she tried non chalantly to tell her friend to take a picture of us walking, so she could compare our asses as she's been losing weight and thinks hers is smaller than mine...nice try :)

So the drinks flow and we're out on her balcony with a bunch of people and i'm looking in the windows of the apartment building next door. I mention a guy watching tv sitting with his legs up and Jennifer yells, "they're naked." Turns out i was looking in the wrong window, the next one over had a naked couple finishing the deed and then cuddling. We missed most of the action, and they eventually turned the lights out...Jennifer then said that her and the bf should really get some curtains.

Off we go after too many glasses of wine to a bar to dance the night away. A fight begins to break out between two guys and their friends are holding them back, and the dance floor clears into this big empty circle. This guy goes down into the centre of the circle and puts his hands out as if too stop the fight. Then he starts to smile and move his arms around and just starts grooving to the music and everyone else followed suit. It was hilarious. Later on he tried to hang off of Jennifer and she walked away disgusted. He then proceeded to dance my way, but her male friend saw me roll my eyes and saved me.

On our way to breakfast this morning, her friend was intriuged by our banter towards one another. As you know we have the Biggest Loser competition and we've made an agreement to call each other horribly mean names among other things. So he said he wished him and her bf would do something like that. Jennifer then went on to say they should, and compared our friendship to S & M, there are rules, you need to have a safe word, it's painful and wonderful all at the same time :)

PMS City

Gentleman you may want to skip this post, i'm sure it will be rather whiney and bitchy. That being said, i become an emotional disaster when it's that time of the month. I'm like Jekyll & Hyde, i can turn from being extremely sad to being quite irrational within seconds, over a period of a few days. I'm very aware of this and try to keep myself in control, generally removing myself from certain situations that i know will put me over the edge and make me lose it.

Today wasn't horrible, but for example i was talking to my co-workers about RSP's and i literally started to tear up. I wiped my eye and told them i had an eyelash in it. No logical reason for this to happen to me, who gets upset when learning about such a thing LOL. The rest of the day was fine, i was a bit short with a few of my clients but nothing of importance. I went to the gym, worked out in my usual class and drove home. I made it through about 5 minutes of dinner, before raging Miss Ash started to rear her ugly head. My mother was telling my father a story that i had already heard that day, i grew impatient, felt my blood boiling and my head began to pound. I sighed and told her "i already heard this today" got up, slammed a few drawers, stomped upstairs and finished my dinner alone in my room. I find out my favorite show Amazing Race is on tonight instead of it's usual night, but by the time i figure this out, i've missed half of it "son of a bitch." My mother brings up some tea to my room, which i take one sip of, and slam the mug back down "you know i don't like sugar in my tea." Quike frankly the no sugar thing is new for me so she probably had no idea i did not take it anymore.

I then begin to read the paper and a horrible article about this man in Ottawa who killed his wife and 3 kids, and then set himself on fire. His wife had a restraining order against him. So i mumble to my mother about how restraining orders are bullshit and this is like the 3rd woman to die at the hands of an abusive partner in the past week. She agreed, left the room and i started to cry. So all day i've been up and down with my emotions, developed a terrible headache and have puffy eyes. Sad to say, this was not even a remotely bad PMS day for me, usually my behavior is much more dreadfull, I generally appear extremely agitated and i'm short with people to the point of being rude. However, in that moment i could give a shit. Any other Jekyll and Hydes out there?

April Fools

I'm not much of a jokster and therefore have never really played any April Fools jokes on anyone....that i can remember at least. I did however want to try the old saran wrap on the toilet one, but then thought of my parents pissing all over themselves and making me clean up the mess. I didn't do it.

I read about some magician who plays jokes on his neighbour every year. He sneaks into her house when she is out (which i found rather odd) and one year changed the labels on her canned food, put saran wrap on her toilet...stuff like that.

I've also heard of the old exlax in chocolates or baked goods, but have yet to actually do that to anyone.

A woman on the radio told her dad that she was pregnant. He was ecstatic and over joyed, then she told him April Fools and he was so disappointed. I guess for years he's been bothering her to have children and thought it was actually time. She wanted to get him back for being so relentless about it.

My co-workers will often play practical jokes on one another, which are harmless but hilarious. One time goopy green goo was stuck into one woman's pocket. When she went to reach for her keys she got a nice surprise. She retaliated by putting vaseline all over the other jokesters phone, keyboard and door handle. It was everywhere.

Have any of you played any practical jokes? I know PP sent a sample of KY Jelly to my house under my alias LOL.