So i was in the midst of doing some laundry when i started to giggle to myself, fondly recalling some terribly embarassing moments i've had. Let me share.....
1) So i'm staying for the weekend with a friend. Often i will lay out my pj's before we go out as i am generally too inebriated and useless to find my stuff when we return from an evening out. So i leave my undies and shirt on her couch. Well, her roomate decides to have some friends over for a movie and when we return home, my undies are nicely placed on top of my shirt on a table. Now...not too bad you think, well these were those old, ugly, granny panites, with holes in them type of things. When i asked him about it in the morning, i guess he picked up my stuff but my underwear fell to the ground for all to view ..... I was mortified.
2) Another evening I'm out with the same friend for her birthday only i get so drunk i decide while we've ordered post bar food that i must leave at that very moment. She hands me the keys and tries to explain the locks to me as there are many (like Seindfelds door) but i grab the keys and wave to her that i'll figure it out. I get outside and i'm feeling nauseous. There are police behind me as there was a "slashing." I'm in the midst of hailing a cab while i hold myself up against a pole and begin to vomit in the street. Luckily, i finish by the time the cab pulls up and the driver nor the cops see me do this. I hop in and make it to the apartment. For the next hour or so i try desperately to get into her apartment to no avail. I ride up and down the elevator pondering what to do, feeling like i'm going to die. Thinking i've figured it out i go back up and try again. Well i finally get in and not 5 minutes later my friend shows up. I tell her what has happened and she asked why i didn't just buzz her boyfriend who was home in bed, he would have let me right in.
3) I asked my bald friend once when i was staying there if he had a brush as i had forgotten mine. He of course replied with "what the fuck would i have one of those for?" I said "but i thought you might have a guest brush"
4) When i was about 12 my parents and i were travelling out West and we had stopped at a local McDonalds. I had a bit of gas, however i'm all sure you're aware of those hard plastic seats. Well, needless to say i tried to fart quietly but it came out in this loud thunderous vibration. Everyone stared in our direction. My father then stood up, faced all the other people while pointing at me and delcared "it was her."
5) When i was younger i used to think that TLC song "i ain't too proud to beg" was "i ain't too fried to bang" and would sing it out loud at the top of my lungs until someone pointed out my error.
I'm sure there are a million more moments.......as i'm quite klutzy....anyone care to add any?
Friday, September 30, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Mom at the Gym
So i've been a member of this particular gym for 2 years now. I am one of those people that will be extremely dedicated and go every day and then.....well you know how it is, visits become less frequent. Anyway, i've been quite good recently back at it lifiting weights and on that damn elliptical machine. My mother has often complained that she needs to start working out and get in shape. What better birthday gift then to give her a one month membership to my gym. I figured we could go together and motivate one another. Well, let's see, her membership began on September 1 and is up September 30 in 2 days. She has gone a grand total of 4 times. The usual excuses ensued "i'm very busy" "tonight is not a good night" "i'm tired" ...you get the idea.
So last night they had a hip hop class which i thought would be fun...arrived at the gym with mom in tow of course wearing all of her makeup. Turns out the class was cancelled so we decided to hit the weight room, first time for mom. Well let me tell you, i think my tummy had more of a workout than anything from laughing so hard. I showed her various exercises with the free weights, shoulders, biceps, triceps. She used the 5 pounds weights as her arms shook on about rep #7 "ohhhh my upper body is so weak" I then decided to show her some of the machines. My favourite part of the evening was when i introduced her to the squat machine, showed her the excercise and then it was her turn. We don't put any weights on the machine, just want her to get a feel for it first. She pulls the handles out and glides down to a squat position at which point she starts laughing and says she cannot get up. I tell her to just push up from her legs ... "i can't" she's laughing even harder and i'm in hysterics. I have to push the machine up with my hands while she tries to help with her legs. Oh man...enough with the weights. We decide to work on some abs before we go. I show her an exercise and she does quite well at it. Then the ball comes out. I sit on it, put my feet on the wall and show her a different ab exercise tell her to position herself where she is comfortable and steady. Mom gives it a try and repeatedly rolls off the ball laughing some more and declares " i hate that stupid ball" Clearly we are finished for the evening....on the way out she tells me that i should have showed her all of these weight exercises at the beginning of her membership. Gee if you had come to the gym more often i could have LOL.
So last night they had a hip hop class which i thought would be fun...arrived at the gym with mom in tow of course wearing all of her makeup. Turns out the class was cancelled so we decided to hit the weight room, first time for mom. Well let me tell you, i think my tummy had more of a workout than anything from laughing so hard. I showed her various exercises with the free weights, shoulders, biceps, triceps. She used the 5 pounds weights as her arms shook on about rep #7 "ohhhh my upper body is so weak" I then decided to show her some of the machines. My favourite part of the evening was when i introduced her to the squat machine, showed her the excercise and then it was her turn. We don't put any weights on the machine, just want her to get a feel for it first. She pulls the handles out and glides down to a squat position at which point she starts laughing and says she cannot get up. I tell her to just push up from her legs ... "i can't" she's laughing even harder and i'm in hysterics. I have to push the machine up with my hands while she tries to help with her legs. Oh man...enough with the weights. We decide to work on some abs before we go. I show her an exercise and she does quite well at it. Then the ball comes out. I sit on it, put my feet on the wall and show her a different ab exercise tell her to position herself where she is comfortable and steady. Mom gives it a try and repeatedly rolls off the ball laughing some more and declares " i hate that stupid ball" Clearly we are finished for the evening....on the way out she tells me that i should have showed her all of these weight exercises at the beginning of her membership. Gee if you had come to the gym more often i could have LOL.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
See i'm not a princess
So i decided today was the day to stop being such a girl and learn how to do an oil change on my car. Now for those that know me....and i appreciate all the ... OMG you've got to be kidding, can i come and watch I want to see you jack your car up LOL ... type of comments, I too understand the sheer hilarity of the whole thing. See, as i mentioned i'm quite a girly girl when it comes to certain things. I have never ever in my life mowed the lawn. My mother and grandmother are avid gardeners but you would never catch me out there...all that dirt and all those bugs. Once i tried to help and pick up leaves in the garden, wearing gloves i might add and i lasted about 10 minutes...it was just SO dirty and filthy out there. Now don't get me wrong I clean and do other things i just dislike being dirty.
So poor old dad was my teacher. He showed me where the oil filter was "Jesus these damn cars" and went on to explain how my Japanese car was much more difficult as the filter is tilted vs straight up and how the oil was going to pour all over him when he took the filter off. Then he had to wiggle from beneath my car to put on his coveralls which was a bit of a feat. He has had 2 knee replacements and has trouble walking half the time, let alone crawling in & out from under my car. He of course did everything and i watched, but i did get under the car with him learning how to do everything for next time. We also checked all the fluids and topped up what was in need. We then did the "light inspection" i sat in the car with the lights on while my dad and brother in law checked the lights....and you know what? I discovered a set of lights i did not know existed LOL. Dad kept telling me to turn on the secondary lights, i had no idea what he was talking about until he came into the car and pressed a button i had never ever touched. My brother in law had a smirk on his face and my dad just shook his head from side to side.
So poor old dad was my teacher. He showed me where the oil filter was "Jesus these damn cars" and went on to explain how my Japanese car was much more difficult as the filter is tilted vs straight up and how the oil was going to pour all over him when he took the filter off. Then he had to wiggle from beneath my car to put on his coveralls which was a bit of a feat. He has had 2 knee replacements and has trouble walking half the time, let alone crawling in & out from under my car. He of course did everything and i watched, but i did get under the car with him learning how to do everything for next time. We also checked all the fluids and topped up what was in need. We then did the "light inspection" i sat in the car with the lights on while my dad and brother in law checked the lights....and you know what? I discovered a set of lights i did not know existed LOL. Dad kept telling me to turn on the secondary lights, i had no idea what he was talking about until he came into the car and pressed a button i had never ever touched. My brother in law had a smirk on his face and my dad just shook his head from side to side.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Beware the Big Comfy Chair
Ok, so i've given in and joined the millions of other people in blog world (sound applause). Like i needed another reason to spend anymore time than i already do infront of this lovely computer.
However, this lady made me giggle the other day and i thought i'd share my story.
I was in Chapters reading this funny book about dating horror stories, but the woman sitting directly beside me was a bit off shall i say. As soon as i sat down she would not take her eyes off me, staring, which was a bit distracting, and then it dawned on me why the big super comfy chair beside hers had been vacant before i sat there. Every so often she would start talking to noone in particular, though perhaps she was trying to speak to me, i have no idea, i was there to enjoy my book not make friends and she was rather incoherent. She aimlessly flipped through a book, with a magnifying glass intent on the pages....would stare at me, flip, stare, talk, flip, stare, talk....you get the picture. Needless to say after about a half an hour of this, she got up and left. So just a warning to all those who frequent Chapters.... be weary of the big comfy chair.... it looks appealing but it may not be so great.
However, this lady made me giggle the other day and i thought i'd share my story.
I was in Chapters reading this funny book about dating horror stories, but the woman sitting directly beside me was a bit off shall i say. As soon as i sat down she would not take her eyes off me, staring, which was a bit distracting, and then it dawned on me why the big super comfy chair beside hers had been vacant before i sat there. Every so often she would start talking to noone in particular, though perhaps she was trying to speak to me, i have no idea, i was there to enjoy my book not make friends and she was rather incoherent. She aimlessly flipped through a book, with a magnifying glass intent on the pages....would stare at me, flip, stare, talk, flip, stare, talk....you get the picture. Needless to say after about a half an hour of this, she got up and left. So just a warning to all those who frequent Chapters.... be weary of the big comfy chair.... it looks appealing but it may not be so great.
