Weight became an issue for me in my early 20's. I had a tumultuous relationship end and I went on a downward spiral from there. I quit university, partied nightly and gained 60 pounds. I certainly do not blame the break-up as it was more of a domino effect and that just happened to be the 1st one to fall.I wanted to share some before and after photos with you so that you can understand where I am coming from and the struggle that I've had. In these photos I was 18-19 years of age:
This photo was taken only 3 years later, I was 22-23 years old and It was the 1st time in my life that I had ever struggled with my weight:
I have tried to lose weight in the past and successfully lost 30 pounds going from the above photo to this:
However, I gained it all back plus 15 more when I quit smoking. Apparently it's next to impossible to lose weight and stop smoking in the same year due to a lowered metabolism etc. Experts say that weight is a symptom of a deeper issue; In order to successfully lose weight it's important to get to the root cause which I have never though about until now. I'm well aware that exercise and healthy eating will assist me to lose, however I self medicate with food and FINALLY took the time to figure out why.
*I started to use food to fill a void, a loneliness that I felt and it spiralled out of hand.
*As well, my sister and I are very different in that I am much more independent and she is much more needy when it comes to my parents attention. I often feel pushed to the side because they are so busy helping her...day in and day out and I use food to comfort myself.
*My weight is also how I protect myself. I've been single for many years which I blame on my weight. It is easier to believe that someone would not want to be with me due to my weight rather than to admit that it's because of who I am as a person.
*Lastly, I have a fear of success. What if I do lose the weight and think I look great but then nobody likes me? That scares the hell out of me as then I would have to deal with the above fear.
I must admit posting my "fat" photo was a rather difficult decision for me to make. I am currently floating somewhere in between all the photos but certainly closer to the chubby side than the skinny one but thankfully not that chubby :)
I suppose this post was a confession of sorts and I am hoping that getting to the root cause of my eating will help to assist in my road to recovery if you will. It has gone on for far too long and I am looking forward to a healthy future and getting my life back. I want to feel like the outside matches the inside again. Of course, any suggestions/tips would be greatly appreciated :)
And if you must I'll let you say it, but just this once: "boombaba boombaba"
14 comments:
Ash, I think this post is great. First, let me say that I have seen enough photos of you to know that your current weight is absolutely good for you and that you look beautiful. But, I have been through the same roller coaster with my weight and it has always been a big issue that weighed heavily on my mind so I know how you feel. I think your 4 bullets on why you overeat are really astute and, absolutely, all 4 of them are completely true for me as well (except for the part about being single - I was overweight but married and unhappy and afraid to do anything about it because I thought no one else would want me). I believe that the key to losing weight is being in the right mental state. You have to want it, be dedicated to it and, most importantly, believe you can do it. When I was overweight I would have all these thoughts like "When I lose some weight I'll do x, y & z." But, a little part of me didn't really believe I would ever lose the weight. When I joined Weight Watchers (after MANY diets and attempts to lose weight before) I still didn't really believe I could do it. But, I changed my mental attitude and, at the very least, decided to stick to their plan - points, whatever - for one week and see what happened. Admittedly, if I had not lost weight right away I would have given up for sure. But, that was the WRONG thinking - the thinking that always prevented me from losing weight before. And, I would always fudge the diet a little and make excuses. This time I vowed not to fudge things no matter what and I did lose weight my first week. That loss was enough to change my whole mental outlook on it and make me want to work like a dog to lose more. But, I think you have to know in your heart that it's a long process and force your mind, not just your body, to be dedicated to it despite the other emotional issues that cause you to eat. That said, the fact that you already know the emotional reasons for things is the first step in the right direction.
But, damn, chocolate and stuff dipped in cheese is still crazy delicious.
All of that said, I think you look great. You are very pretty in all of your pictures, regardless of your weight in each, and in all of your current photos I think your weight is very healthy and I wouldn't want to see you going on any sort of diet that would make you get too skinny because that wouldn't be healthy or attractive. Oh, and PLEASE don't get caught in the trap of looking at photos from when you are 18/19 and wondering why you don't look like that anymore. Trust me, I am thinner now (or just as thin anyway) than I was at that age and I still don't think I look like I did back then. Getting older stinks like that. But, at the age we are I think there are different - better - measures of beauty. Don't look at photos from the past and try to recreate who you used to be, work on getting your mind to love who you are now (cause she is awesome) and you will be happier with how you look in the process.
Sorry for the long ramble =)
If you can successfully quit smoking, you do pretty much anything.
You do look very pretty, before and after. Outward beauty is just one aspect of one’s life. Losing weight is not easy, but living healthy is even more difficult. So start with the goal of living healthier. Initially you should also have a secondary goal to lose extra pounds but eventually you will reach the stage where you don’t want to determine your health based on your weight. It’s hard to do, yes. You have to do it for yourself and for no one else. Only then you will succeed. It’s a long process and most of us give up right before success. Just stay strong. Find a partner so you can keep each other motivated. It’s a good thing that you decided to share it. Most people shy away from the subject. You are a young woman and you can live the way you like. Its all in your own hands.
Do it for yourself and your fears wont bring you down.
Good luck.
SS, thank you for the kind words :)
You are right, I have to work on loving myself as I am now, and believe me, I don't want to be a skinny minny, I have curves and love them!! I just want to feel ok being me and I am working on it.
Weight Watchers seems like a reasonable program as well because you can choose to eat what you want, you just have to tally the points. I did it on my own once as my friend had an extra points book and counter. I continuously lost a pound or two a week.
WIGSF, I agree. I suppose when you really want to do something and are ready then you will. I think I'm getting to the point where i'm truly serious about this. Not just trying some quick fix, but making a healthy lifestyle change because i'm miserable and can't continue on this way.
Yrautca, thank you for the kind words as well! I agree it should be about a lifestyle change and making healthier choices. I have a gym partner so we keep each other in check....sometimes :)
Hey Ash.
I think yo're awesome for even discussing this at all and I applaud your efforts. I'm struggling with food and weght issues (having just quit smking myself) so I'm feeling you. Hang in there and it will all come together. HHNT!
That is some brave stuff. Both to put the pictures up there, but I think even more to say what you did. Ownership of what we perceive to be an issue is tough stuff. All that I can say is that being comfortable in your own skin is what is important. I think that you look great now and then, just for the record.
All the best though in what makes YOU happy.
Scott
Congratulations for digging deeper into the cause as that seems like an excellent first step.
But from your past posts, it sounds like you're very active playing sports and generally moving around which means you've got no problems at whatever weight you happened to be at (and carried it well to boot).
If you want to drop anyway, then best of luck and drop me a line if you want any armchair advice as I was a trainer for nearly 5 years and did a lot of programs.
As you have been my friend forever, I feel confident in saying that I have been there at every stage of your life, and I know how you feel.
I commend you on this incredibly brave post (as mine would say something along the lines of "abuse father", but im not ready to make that kind of admittance to myself just yet. (youd think years of social work would help me figure it out, and to some degree, it has, but not 100% just yet).
As I was saying, ive seen you through all of this, and have never once thought you having any type of weight problem, even though, I know I cant tell you how to feel, or what to think about yourself, I think that you look perfect! And have never once considered you overweight.
You're incredibly pretty, and I know its cliche, but I wish you could see yourself with my eyes. In 100% honesty, I think you look fabulous!
KS, Welcome! Love the name by the way :)
Scott, I am trying to "fix" my skin in order to be comfortable in it. I do thank you for the compliments though!
2DP haha now you've gone and done it, your inbox is going to be loaded with questions!!
PP, yes you've seen it all! Thanks for the kind words :)
Man I can relate to this post, about how weight can protect, how it can define. It was brave, indeed, to post. Most people don't understand but when I lost a lot of weight I hated how people would always talk about it. First thing they said when they saw me was about how much weight I lost. They didn't just say I looked good. I heard more about my weight when it was gone than when I had it. That was the hardest part of it--instead of politely ignoring it, pretending it wasn't part of me it was in my face.
Ok, I rambled a bit here....
A couple years back I decided to lose weight. Lost about 50 lbs in less then three months by going to the gym every day and eating right. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Now the struggle is to keep it off.
It's hard. Very hard. It's difficult going out to dinner with friends and ordering a salad while they eat ribs and hamburgers. Working out constantly can be redundant, so mix it up. That's why I take the martial arts now and it may be something you want to look into. Vary your diet as well and reward yourself. And for the love of god don't judge yourself by looking in the mirror. Biggest mistake you can make.
I wish you all the best with this. It's not easy.
At least no matter how big you are you'll be pretty. I could gain an adonis body and still have the same damn face.
Since moving to Vancouver I have lost almost 15 pounds. It's not that I was really heavy, just had that extra layer I wasn't proud of. The way I did it was by signing up for a nutrition and exercise program at my gym. They showed me the right way to work out and what to eat. I had to go in every couple of weeks and weigh in and show my nutritionist what I was eating. I think that being accountable to someone makes a real difference. My mom has just recently had major success with weight watchers which is the same theory without the exercise
The crazy thing is that now I eat basically what I want but I have kept the weight off, I think it's because I've maintained the exercise component and my body is happier at this weight.
I agree with Wiwille. Mix it up. I just tried skiing for the first time in years.
Good luck although you always look great in your pictures anyways. I wish I was as photogenic as you are!
FC, I was lucky enough that when I did lose the 30 lbs people would say that I looked good but kept it at that.
Wiwille, I almost spit my drink out I was laughing so hard at that last part...you're so silly :)
Rawbean Congrats on your hard work :) I agree I need to mix it up as I do get bored. I find it much easier in the summer with beach vball, biking, roller blading etc but skiing is always fun too.
You're lovely and I agree that you've got the big brass ovaries. Just talking about the issue and putting yourself out there has got to be strong medicine.
I have issues with fear of success and zoloft/sertraline has been a big help for me in reducing anxiety (also useful with my depression and adult ADHD).
Another activity I have found helpful is vipassana meditation--also called Theravadin Buddhism. It teaches a practical psychology that enables you to see how your mind is working: for you, against you, or neutrally. Our local center has a site at www.triplegem.org. It's not a cult--the only one who shaves their head is the monk who lives at the center. But the practice is helpful in a practical way.
Good luck in whatever you do.
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