I've had a lot on my mind these past few days. Recently i have been checking my blood pressure as i had never done this before. It's through the roof, atrociously high like i'm ready to have a stroke any second which scares me to no end. As well in March i went for my annual and was told to come back in 6 months because of abnormal cells. Apparently i'm falling apart.
It got me thinking about my life and poor choices I have made over the years. I should have listened when i was told i only have one body to last me years and years and to treat it like a temple. Instead i chose to smoke, tan for hours on end sans sunscreen resulting in horrible burns. (I had internal blisters so bad once that my face drooped down like Quasi Modo) I do lead a pretty active lifestyle but food choices over the years have not been the best either. When i stopped eating meat i went to a nutritionist to help me out...i don't feel like she did.
I was in a relationship years and years ago and when it ended i felt like i lost a huge part of myself. I quit University, gained 60 pounds and didn't seem to care about myself anymore.
Skip ahead years later and i feel like i've been left with this shell that is not me. I truly cannot understand the concept of self love, how do you love yourself? I'm embarassed by what i've become and feel so lost, but don't know how to pick up the pieces. Any ideas on where to start?
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10 comments:
Oh Ash but you are being too hard on yourself. Whatever you have done and gone through most of us have one way or another. We all tend to abuse ourselves. But you cant be too hard on yourself. Plus you are so young. Its not like this is the end of the road for you. you can make the right choices now and in 2 years you will feel so much healthier and better.
You are a very funny, lively, sweet girl. I never read you say anything bad to anyone. You have a kind heart and damn you are funny (although I insist that you are unintentionally funny and that you have no idea you are being funny).
so come on, snap out of it. and hey, you got boobs. If you got boobs you got nothing to worry about ;)
Its true...we were talking about this earlier...not your blog, just in general. Its coincidental that you wrote about it today.
I, shockingly, agree with Yrautca. You are hard on yourself. I know, that nic words from your friends, or strange boys who think you have big boobs, cannot compensate for your own attempt to beat yourself down. You were just here, so I feel confident in saying that you look fantastic. You have come a long way, and look really good! And im very proud of the accomplishments that you've made from that conversation in January, to walking you out the front door 10 minutes ago.
I wish that something that I could say would reinforce the struggles that you have triumphed over, but it is always easier to point out out negatives, than recognize our positives.
Of course we all have our weaknesses *dans fudgie brownies, and booze*, but you cant let those weakness erase all of the good things, and will power, and resisting temptation that you have done so far.
I cant ignore that medical realities that you mentioned in your blog, but you, my dearest Miss Ash, are doing fantastic...I wish you could see what the rest of us see...keep at it. You'll be okay...i totally believe that.
Ash, you really ARE taking all the right steps to getting right where you want to be. You've joined the biggest loser blog, you ARE leading an active, volleyball-filled life and you are totally open to talking about whatever is bothering you. These are NOT the signs of someone who's really in trouble. I know you're feeling down right now, and it is the curse of all women that we must hate our bodies, but you are so much more than you think you are right now. It's sad that we as humans are often unable to give ourselves some positive self-esteem and that we refuse to believe others when they tell us how great we are. But, you DO know that you have lots of awesome qualities -- try not to let the few negative aspects bring you down and ruin your happiness.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I think i'm just having one of those days...
I just wanted to tell you that I love you and as you are one of my very best friends I wouldn't change a thing, I think you're wonderful. As someone with with my own confidence issues (I think we smell out our own) I think you are doing fantastic, you have a real life grown up job that you love and you're taking the right steps to changing what you don't like about yourself, if only we were all in that place.
I've been watching a lot of that show Intervention on A&E, and I hadn't really realized it before, but the one common thread with all of those people was that they didn't have any idea how to deal with the miseries, set backs and disappointments in their lives. So they tried to anesthetize themselves with shopping, drugs, alcohol, videogames, drinking... and food. A lot of people don't know how to cope with their issues without trying to medicate them. I'm no exception. If you don't learn to cope with that problem you may be able to lose weight or stop your other bad habits through will power, but it won't do anything about these root problems. If I knew the solution, I'd be Claudia Schiffer already myself.
remember always that there are people who love you no matter what.
i love you no matter what.
I think a lot of others said it, but sometimes things just come at you in waves and they aren't much fun at all.
There's always things that you can do to make yourself feel better, but the main thing is just to do things that make you feel good period.
Everything else will fall in line.
I love you ladies too of course.
I think i was just having a down day, freaking out about health stuff and then it snowballed from there like what the fuck have i done to myself?? I have never had health issues, i haven't even broken a bone before. I've made an appointment with my Doctor tomorrow morning to discuss my concerns. I also have that bloody annual well the 2nd one this year in September lined up so hopefully they won't find anything abnormal again. Wish me luck!!
umm can we get a new post? preferably with a boob shot?
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